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what do you do when you are so depressed that nothing matters to you anymore. you have nothing going for you. all your friends have abandoned you and you have no one to turn to besides those stupid help lines on the phone. how does a person live like this. it takes everything to just keep going each day. you want to give up but you dont even know how to give up.

if anyone finds out, let me know soon.

Nothing really new going on here. I had been taking the pain killer Tramadol prior to finding out I was pregnant. I quit that cold turkey and didn't realize how addicted I really was. As far as the dr. told me there shouldn't be any issues with it as long as I stay away from it now. They are going to do an amnio in about 2 months. They are going to check a few things because of the complications with my last pregnancies. I also quit drinking alcohol cold turkey. I really didn't realize how much I was drinking until I quit.

Well as always this will end up being part rant part update.

UPDATE!!!

I am still working. Still loving my jobs.

I do still have a BF of sorts. He's BF 2.0...again. I went ahead and reformatted him. I really should get a mac next time.

June 9th, 2010 or around there should be a pretty interesting day for me. I'm going to have a baby.

Rant.

I really hate where I live. I love my best friend forever. But her BF really makes me want to rip my eyes out. Okay enough of that.

"Love is a minefield. You take a step and get blown to pieces, put yourself back together again and stupidly take another step. I guess that's human nature. It hurts so much to be alone that we'd all rather blow up than be single". Kate Welles (Famke Janssen) in Love & Sex (2000)

13/10/2009 Well today is the first full day that the chickens have lived here. Delivered yesterday by a "Chicken Chauffer" in a large van bearing the logo "Omelet" , all four hens have settled in well. The first night was a little tricky though - they had to be shown how to climb the ladder and roost in the special "Egglu". I was knee deep in wood chippings gently showing them where they had to go - the hardest part of which being my effort to extract myself from the long wire run once this was done. So - eggs? Not yet...

Dad always said his grey hair came from me.  He'd point to his head and say things like, "ya see this?!?  this is what I get for having 2 girls.  This bunch here, this is from when the older one knocked her teeth out.  This patch? Ah, that's from when I lost her in a puddle.  And this?  This is from when she got expelled from high school."  He wore his greys proudly, showing them off occasionally, like an old football injury or war wound.  To him, they were almost like family photos, memories he carried with him everywhere he went.

So I was thinking...hmm...is that such a bad thing. I have 9 piercings and 4 tattoos now. I plan on getting at least 5 more tattoos and about 5 to 8 more piercings. She freaks everytime I get a new one. She doesn't know about a few of them...Thank goodness for clothes. I was just wondering what everyone thought about piercings and tattoos if they are done tastefully?

When someone calls your roommates boyfriend and informs them they have a puppy they need to get rid of...make sure before you agree to buy the dog you ask HOW OLD the puppy is. I was expecting a cute little ball of energy. I ended up with an adorable 9 month old dog. Who is technically still a puppy, but...not what I expected. Better in a few ways, she's 90% house broken. Still very puppy like in wanting to CHEW CHEW CHEW. They had named her Bugsy...which I am not too fond of. I changed it to Baby. Which I like better, but it still sounds close.

well, ive been up all day and all night. one of the bad parts about having a night time job is when you have days off you still stay up till 3 or 4 in the morning. bah. who needs sunlight anyway? i mean, if it weren't for the whole . . .we need oxygen, trees make oxygen, trees need sunlight for photosynthesis than i would be all for no at all. ok, not really. i tend to look VERY bad when i'm TOO pasty white, ha!

I've been told a few times in the last few weeks that I've become a not very nice person.  I've asked the people who have said this why they think that is. No one really has an answer.  So this has been on my mind for a few days. I wonder what makes them say I'm not nice. I realize it's because I don't cater to everyone anymore. My needs come first, and a lot of people who have been my friends for a long time aren't used to that.